[I was all set to write some meaningful New Year's Eve post about good intentions and all that but I kept thinking of this post from two years ago. I don't think I can top it, and I figure some of you have not read it, so here again is My Toothless New Year's Eve, January 1, 2010.]
So I go to this elegant New Year’s Eve party in a Manhattan coop, high above the hoi polloi struggling against each other to get a glimpse of the ball. Feeling smug and sophisticated, I begin a conversation with a well-dressed, stylish woman and we’re having a nice conversation and all when I notice that she is covering the front of her mouth with her hand.
After this goes on for a while, I say, “Is something wrong with one of your teeth?”
She nods, “Uh-huh. One of my caps is loose. I go to this terrible dentist.”
“Why do you go to him if he’s terrible?”
“Because he’s a cool guy. He’s a Buddhist but he’s terrible. The caps on my two front teeth keep falling out and he replaced one but it was the wrong color and it still doesn’t fit.”
“Why do you keep going to him?”
“That’s what everyone says. I feel bad because he’s a cool guy and has a place in Woodstock and plays great music in his office.”
Right now, I’m thinking this is an episode of Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm and begin to look for a hidden camera. She continues: “I called him tonight when my tooth came loose and his answering service said he was in Costa Rica on vacation. When I reached him, he told me to put Superglue on it.”
She wanders over to the host to ask about Superglue but though he has three different kinds of wine, he has no Superglue. Alas. She comes back to continue out conversation. “Ok, I can still talk but I can’t say any words that begin with an F,” she says.
At this point, my wife and another woman join the conversation and we’re talking until this tooth-challenged woman begins telling us about one of her FRIENDS. The moment she says the word, the cap on her tooth flies out of her mouth and lands squarely in her wine glass.
I crack up, she looks mortified and the others don’t have any idea what’s happening. She retrieves the cap from her wine glass, pops it back in her mouth and continues talking.
Just then — and I swear this is true — our host tells us we’re all going next door to see the ball drop in a bigger apartment where two of his friends live, both of whom are DENTISTS!!!!
I look at my toothless friend and raise my eyebrows. “Sounds perfect for you,” I say.
“Uck you,” she tells me, turning on her heel and walking out the door.
Happy New Year!!
